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My Journey with Him

A story of redemption written by Gena Kelley about her own journey.

Written by Gena Kelley, Copyright 1998

I know that spiritual journeys span a lifetime, but my knowledge of the journey began when I was 18 years old and a freshman at the University. A new acquaintance had just joined me in the cafeteria for breakfast. She asked me if I was a Christian. I figured it was something religious since she had just prayed prior to beginning her meal. I answered, "I'm a certain religious denomination." She stated, "That's not what I asked, I asked if you were a Christian." I replied that I didn't know.

She never did explain what she meant, but this conversation sparked an interest in me to find out what a Christian was. So I got out a Bible that I had been given years earlier and started reading. After several months of Bible reading, I was convinced that I was not the person the pages talked about, nor could I live up to what it was telling me to do. That revelation caused me great anguish.

A friend asked me to attend a church service where confession was being observed. I knelt there in the pew, and poured out my heart to the Lord. I let all the guilt and shame of an early childhood rape, the confusion I felt about my college life, the hurt over the anger, physical, and emotional abuse in my family just pour out of me. I had been contemplating suicide, but thought that asking Jesus to be part of my life would be a good thing to do before the attempt. I was amazed at the peace that flooded my heart at my request and how it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my body and soul. I walked out of that church feeling like I was floating instead of walking. There was a song in my heart and it seemed to pour out of me.

After that experience, I was amazed that my Bible reading became alive and felt like it was feeding my hungry heart and soul. Immediately my desire to abuse alcohol and drugs was gone, to the amazement of my brother.

My college years were wonderful. My newly found faith began to grow. I look back now and see God's provision even when I didn't know my need. He provided a wonderful church, I attended a campus ministry, had some wonderful Christian friends, and lived in two different Christian boarding houses. I saw a godly home and a stable family demonstrated for me for the first time.

Also looking back, I see several dependencies I had with my college girlfriends and the same pattern through my high school years. My last semester, after I received a job offer in a large city, I talked with a pastor friend about my deepest secret--my attraction to women--that didn't seem to change even though I was doing Christian things. He gave some counsel, but I couldn't seem to grasp what he meant.

I moved to this new city and a new job. My church and close friends were left behind. I found the adjustment difficult, but eventually I was attending a rather large church and became a regular at the young adult group. I befriended a girl, who was a daughter of missionaries. She seemed to have a lot of problems but trying to work them out. I was also attracted to her but wouldn't admit that to anyone else or myself. As we spent more time together, I became infatuated with her and my attraction grew. There was a longing in my heart I couldn't explain.

One evening, at her apartment, she asked me to spend the night. I knew she meant more than just sleeping. There was an immediate struggle to say "yes" or "no." It felt like a battle raging in my soul. I said, "Yes". I knew that something in me died spiritually but all the longing, attraction, and sexuality roared like a lion and drowned the small voice within that said, "This is not the way it should be."

Within a week, I admitted to a Christian friend what had happened and asked for help. Mainly, I was asking for an ease of the guilt I felt, not for repentance. The response I received was anger, hatred, and gossip that spread around the young adult group.

I felt betrayed. I was confused about how the church could even help, I felt like I had been shot while I was already wounded. I couldn't bear the condemnation so I left that church and found another to attend, one that didn't know my background or what had happened.

My girlfriend was providing emotional support, and eventually I was back in a sexual relationship with her. I remained with her for the next five years. The first two years seemed wonderful as I rode the emotional high. I could tell my conscience was becoming numb to what I was doing, and the guilt was diminishing. But there was still a small sense of guilt when I attended church. I asked God if I could do both, love a woman and love Him. I was leading a double life, one at church, one as a lesbian.

As the years went on, I could see the relationship with my girlfriend deteriorate. There was possessiveness on both our parts and a growing lack of trust. I feared losing her since she was seeing other women. I was feeling emotionally out of control, and a deep anger would rise up inside of me.

During that time, I also was talking at work with a godly Christian man, John. I would talk to him about how it felt to have two altars in my heart, one to the Living God and one to this sexual relationship. I couldn't tear either down. I'm not sure why I was honest with him, but I knew that he would pray. My heart hadn't gotten that hard yet.

In 1992, my lover had moved and was seeing other women, but we continued to have casual sex. I felt caught by her advances, and I couldn't get out. One afternoon in August, I walked into John's office and asked him to pray that this relationship would be severed. I knew if it didn't I would die, if not physically then spiritually. I felt so numb that I couldn't pray for myself. He knelt and prayed with tears in his eyes that God would deliver me. I had never seen a man cry for me before, and it moved me.

Within two weeks, God moved my lover to a different job, in a different state. I knew deep down it was right, and I was thankful that He had answered prayer. I also felt emotionally ripped apart--like I was going through a divorce without being able to talk about it.

That's when I called Metanoia Ministries and found out they had a women's drop-in group. I started attending. The first six months all I did was cry, I could hardly share anything. I felt shame, the worst of sinners, since I already was a Christian and had fallen into sexual sin, letting it enslave me. Gradually, I learned about the broken areas of my heart and soul where I hadn't let God in to do the mending, surgery, and healing.

I attended the Living Waters Program, and there I learned about my distorted view of my Heavenly Father. I learned experientially about the power of the Cross, of asking forgiveness, and forgiving. I found anew the awesome power of worshipping God in song.

For the first time I was facing the awfulness of the rape, the lack of affirmation from my father, the deep sense of anger that ran through my family, my parents' broken relationship and how it affected me, the lack of a mother-daughter relationship, and the chaos of an alcoholic home. I was learning how to have healthy same-sex relationships. I was learning how to overcome fantasy and masturbation, take that to the Cross and to ask for help to overcome.

My journey continues today with my relationship with the Lord. I can see His healing in my life. He gave me a pleasant surprise, a new attraction towards men, something I never expected. I thought my attraction to women would be a constant battle. I'm learning how to love my Heavenly Father and let Him love me. I'm also letting people at my church love me, and I trusted them with my story, so that we can pray for one another and be healed. Now I know that He will walk with me on the rest of this journey, and I am excited with what He has in store for me.