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God Created Us for Relationship

A foundational Doorway of Hope teaching on relationships

Written by Rebekah A. Johnston & Gena Kelley, Copyright 2000

A client asked us the following question a few months ago. "How can I hate the sin like God does, when I don't? In actuality, I enjoy the physical contact." Her question prompted the following thoughts as to our convictions and what we believe to be true about people's propensity to sin.

God created us for relationship with legitimate needs for conformation, affirmation, identification, and affection. These needs were to be met in legitimate ways during our developmental process from conception in our mother’s womb to adulthood. Human fallenness (sin) is thought, belief and action that makes willful choices in order to satisfy these unmet needs outside of God’s intent. And these willful choices can turn into ingrained, long standing patterns of thinking, believing, behaving and styles of relating.

God created legitimate needs of love and nurture in each one of us. These needs are to be filled during the developmental process with our parents and ultimately with Him. First and foremost is the secure attachment that should occur between mother and child (Bowlby, 1960). This is meant to instill a strong sense of well being, belonging, safety, and security in the child and that the child is accepted and loved at the core of which he or she is.

Another important factor in the psychological and emotional development of the child is the same-sex parent bonding. For example, mommy/daddy is okay and I am just like mommy/daddy, therefore I am okay (Moberly, 1983). Through affirming words and actions from the same-sex parent the child’s self-worth and value are reassured and built-up. The opposite sex parent also adds to the healthy developing psyche of the child by his or her affirming words and actions. They are to bless the child for who he or she is and who they are becoming. By doing so, this aids the child in relating to the opposite sex in a positive manner both early in life and later on in life when he or she starts to date and eventually prepares for marriage.

The father’s influence seems to be an important key in the development of both male and female children’s sexuality (gender identity). It is important for girls to go through the "daddy’s little girl stage" and to be affirmed that they are special and pretty. They may imitate their mothers, but it is in pleasing and gaining their father’s acceptance that their femininity is called forth.

Psychologist, W. Peter Blitchington in his book Sex Roles and the Christian Family: "A boy needs contact with his father in order for his sexual identity to be developed properly. Boys whose fathers are absent, passive, or rejecting often find it harder to identify with the male role."

In relationship to girls, he explains: "Since sexual behavior is first and most deeply learned in relationship with the opposite sexed parent, many young girls are going to find themselves unable to handle an adult sexual and emotional relationship with a man if their own father was absent, either physically, emotionally, or both, during the early part of their lives."

If the father has been emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive this will strongly influence a girl’s response to relationships with men in her adult life. Males also learn role identification from their fathers while they learn masculinity from their mother’s affirmation, they need that special bonding with their dads to develop an extremely important security in their maleness. However, the completion in the emotional development of a child’s same-sex parent bonding seems to be a key factor in whether a male or a female develops a healthy heterosexual orientation verses a homosexual orientation (Moberly, 1983; Nicolosi, 1991).

Same-sex peers also aid in the healthy development of a child’s gender identification process. These relationships can either help build-up or tear down the child’s self-worth and value as a boy or a girl (e.g., "you’re a girl, I am a girl, you’re okay, I am okay, therefore, girls are great"). This stage of development is definitely seen during the grade school years. On the other hand, the opposite peers call forth our true gender (masculine or feminine) in order to find completion as God intended and designed us for. The union of a man and woman is the true intended image of God (Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 2:21-25).

When legitimate needs are not met during the developmental process what happens? We are left vulnerable and broken with gaping unmet love and nurturing needs. Our response to this vulnerability, brokenness or sin foisted upon us by others is our way of trying to get our needs met and that results in inappropriate or sinful behavior. Sin is based on two things: 1) a lie, 2) rebellion (willful choices). These two things set us up for a fight with God or a flight from God. Many Christians and non-Christians like Eve believe a lie to be the truth. Once we buy into the lie, rebellion is the consequence. Notice the need is not the sin, therefore the need for human touch is not sin. But how we choose to get that need met may be sin (inappropriate behavior). "But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning lies, your minds may some how be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ" (2 Corinthians 11:3; see also Romans 1:18-32).

Growth out of homosexuality comes through an identity change produced through the resolution of emotional conflict. The client learns to push beyond "defensive detachment" to establish non-erotic intimacy with same-sex relationships. The healing task is to de-mystify ones own gender, to experience him or herself as "one of the guys or one of the girls," and to receive the masculine or feminine affirmation that only a man can bestow on another man or a woman on another woman. These are the deepest needs of the homosexual, not sex.

The other healing factor is the person's own powerful desire to change. The men and women we have worked with who have been successful in "reparative therapy" possessed a strong will to overcome. But where does this will come from? Psychology is unable to explain its origins. For many, religious faith is a powerful motivation. Religious clients have more clarity about their therapeutic goals, as well as the support of their faith community. But most importantly these individuals have the empowering of the Holy Spirit to help them in their battle toward freedom and overcoming their struggle with homosexuality. But science still can't explain why some individuals prove so determined, while others lose the desire to persevere against discouragement, loneliness, and set back.

The "cure" of homosexuality is very much like the cure of alcoholism, low self-esteem, or a lifetime of unhealthy living habits. As with all types of psychological change, there must be a long-term growth process. Gradually the client comes to experience his or her homosexuality as "not me." Instead the individual begins to see his or her fantasies as something that comes to him or her as a symptom, or signal, that important aspects of his or her emotional life have been neglected. The individual recognizes that certain normal life stresses "set him or her up" to experience attractions to the same-sex gender. For example: anxiety, loneliness, boredom, envy, failure, and especially, feelings of intimidation by other persons of the same-sex.

When the client is on his or her way as an overcomer, the most pressing issue that brought him or her into therapy—namely, his or her sexual problem—soon becomes subordinate to other life issues, such as growing in a sense of competence and self-esteem, developing healthy same-sex relationships, taking control of the events in his or her life, and finding long-term relational fulfillment. And so the individual sees that homosexuality is much more than a sexual problem; it is really an identity problem which has blocked many other aspects of his or her growth into mature adulthood. As the client's same-sex attractions diminish, an attraction to the opposite sex will often slowly begin to develop.

The on going debates about homosexuality are long and complex and will most likely continue until Christ returns. It is beyond the scope of this article to go into any greater scientific detail or to share more of our personal experience.

Ultimately, we believe that further studies will confirm what we already know from personal experience and exhaustive research study that healing is possible for homosexuals who are motivated to change and by the Grace of god. Homosexuals are not "born gay".

The debates about homosexual behavior will continue as long as men and women seek to justify their behavior and styles of relating in alternative lifestyles that are contrary to God's truth and his ordained design for marriage and family. If we had only one verse upon which to hang our belief in the possibility of change, we would not need to look beyond 1 Corinthians 6:11.

And such were some of you; but you are washed, but you are sanctified, but you are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and the spirit of our God.